


Time Bomb

by Catchinglikekerosene



Series: Universe 3: Living Trauma [5]
Category: Open Heart (Visual Novels)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:20:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27458632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catchinglikekerosene/pseuds/Catchinglikekerosene
Summary: OHSY Chapter 13 rewrite with the trauma we should have had.
Relationships: Ethan Ramsey/Main Character (Open Heart)
Series: Universe 3: Living Trauma [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2137896
Kudos: 20





	1. I.

It had only been a mere week since the funeral, Less than two weeks since the assassination attempt of Senator Ed Faruggia. 

The only company Becca had in her desolate garden apartment was the ticking of the clock that hung in their living room, counting down the seconds until her roommates returned from their shifts. Her newfound free time was spent either in a storm of mind-racing insomnia or the fog of weighted oblivion. The Netflix subscription she hadn’t gotten to use in ages was finally put to good use; all the shows Becca had abandoned years ago and movies she used to think she would find time for occupied her wasteful time.

_ I guess later is now _ . 

That thought kept her moving forward. 

To pass the time, Becca even attempted to bake. Key word:  _ attempted _ . Every time she gave up halfway through gathering ingredients. Instead, she always chose to sip on her green tea with lemon and honey as she watched the snowfall through the bars on the window with a new article in her lap.

Over the last few days Ethan had dropped off some medical magazines from his monthly subscriptions for her to read. Reading about medicine soothed her, reminding her that this is what she was meant to do with her life. A spark of invigoration overcame her as she lost herself in the case studies. Though the excitement only lasted until she remembered that she probably wouldn’t be going back to Edenbrook anytime soon. She tried her best to shake off the plaguing thoughts now associated with her place of work.  _ This is too important _ . Rebecca Lao had worked her entire life to become a doctor, nothing was going to stand in her way.  _ This is just a little blip in the plan.  _

Today, her lackluster routine was jolted. Every thought telling her to stay in her safe space crashed to the forefront of her mind as she fought to drag it back in the depths of rationality. 

Becca stared into the mirror as she buttoned up her blush pink sweater. 

_ Am I really ready to do this?  _

Her heart fluttered when she closed her eyes, trying to imagine her return to the hospital.

“No.” 

She blurted the word out before she could even think. It was an instinct. In the confines of her room she vowed to be truthful with herself from that moment on. She’s learned that life is short and precious and there’s no point in playing a game to appease those around her. Becca owed it to herself to pursue her own happiness. 

Now, she was escorting Farley to the place where her nightmares take place. Where the ghost of Danny and Bobby and everything they’ve left behind haunt her with each step she trudges. Becca came very close to calling Ethan and having Farley meet him at the door. But she knew. She thought about the rash spotted on Farley’s arm, and knew her landlord would never get it checked out if she didn’t drag him there. There’s no telling what the cause could be. She took an Oath. It was her duty to put this patient's best interest before her own. 

Becca glanced out the window, tediously watching as a sprinkle of fluffy first snowflakes fell from the puffy cotton like clouds. 

_ It’s now or never… Farley needs me. _

***

The two made their way out of the subway station towards Edenbrook Hospital. As they trekked through the slush of the hospital parking lot, butterflies began to rage against the walls of her stomach. Just the thought of walking back inside tightened her chest. 

The closer Becca got to the entrance, the more the building seemed to loom over her; the usually welcoming archway ready to swallow her whole. The thumping in her stomach moved to her chest, getting harder and more frequent as the doors came into view. Becca could feel her pulse through her teeth and the blood pumping frantically in her veins. 

She forced herself to ignore it. 

To ignore the sight of the security desk at the hospital entrance rapidly coming into view through the large windows. 

Becca could ignore her body’s flight response, but in doing so she had to compromise. She wasn’t strong enough to fend off everything. In order to save face, she allowed intrusive thoughts to spiral through; 

_ Who was there now that Bobby was gone? Does the officer sitting there have a crippling fear his life could end any moment now too?  _

They passed by the main entrance as quickly as their feet would allow; Becca walking half a step ahead and Farley wondering what's gotten into her boots. 

They made it into the free clinic shockingly without Becca glancing in at the security desk. She sighed in relief once they entered, the familiarity of the cramped space packed with individuals in need giving her a slight reprieve. 

But then nurses moved around. A child cried from across the waiting room. The crisp smell of disinfectant burned her nostrils. And her location set in. Becca swallowed the bile making its way up her throat. 

Before they could even take another step to check in at the counter a door opened, and Jackie walked out. 

Immediately the doctor’s brows furrowed at the sight, “Becca? Farley? What’s going on? Did something happen? You’re not supposed to be back until  _ at least  _ next week.” 

“Farley dropped by to see how I was doing and I noticed a rash on his wrist that didn't look right. I need someone to check it out.” Becca was shifting on her feet and her arms were crossed tightly around her chest. 

Jackie squinted critically, looking Becca up and down. She knew her friend and roommate should not be back and her presence was jarring. Jackie also knows she should follow procedure. But preserving her friend’s mental state calls for special circumstances. Anyway, who knows how long the wait will be and if she’d be the assigned doctor. The sooner she gets Becca out of here the better. 

“Alright, let's get him in an exam room.” 

Jackie led Farley and Becca to a room and closed the door behind them. Farley squinted in the fluorescent light as Jackie took a closer look at his rash. Becca sat on the wheelie stool next to the sink. She tried to pay attention. Desperately tried to diagnose him with Jackie. But she couldn’t stop herself from trailing away. Looking around her. 

The room is small and sterile - much smaller than the inpatient rooms of the main building, but not enough of a difference to keep the similarities from her mind. The same speckled linoleum floor tiles, the same industrial ceiling tiles, same color door and décor. The lights, bright and invasive. Sitting under the same roof as the incident. 

Becca didn’t pay much attention, the words of Jackie’s lifestyle questions and Farley’s answers combining with the erratic beep of the ventilator humming in her mind. 

Jackie’s tone and critical eye brought Becca back into reality. 

“Well, Becca, you were right to bring him in. I'll get him admitted.” 

“Leave all the paperwork to me,” she hummed, not fully broken out of her trance. “We're admitting him through the diagnostics team.” 

Jackie didn’t press further. It wasn’t her place to question; but knowing the financial situation, the Diagnostics team wasn’t in a place to take on pro bono work. Something wasn’t adding up. She let it slide for the sake of her friend. 

“I'm never going to fight you for paperwork. See you later, Farley. Becca.”


	2. II.

Becca led Farley up to the diagnostics office in the shortest, most direct path she could. Taking the back way from the clinic and into the main hospital, purposefully steering clear of the security desk.

Everything about Edenbrook’s main building was bigger and terrifying and was  _ nothing _ compared to the way she felt inside the clinic. The rows of stale white lights were blinding. The sterile environment smelled like bleached rubber and tickled her nostrils. With every step the neighbors took, colleagues and patients were going about their day like life wasn’t lost. Like nothing happened. Like  _ none of what happened _ mere weeks ago stopped the rotation of their earth like it did for her’s. 

Becca kept one step ahead of Farley as they moved, surveying the area they were about to walk into all while making small talk. She asked about their apartment building, what his plans are for the holidays, and reassured him tens more times that all of this will indeed be free of charge. 

Just outside the spotless glass of the Diagnostics Office, Becca hesitated. Her hand grazed the metal of the ajar door, reluctant to push through. 

_ Maybe this was a bad idea.  _

_ What if Ethan says no?  _

She took a deep breath before peeking her head through the gap. 

Ethan sat behind his desk mulling over patient results on the computer. His day had been mostly uneventful up until this point; things had slowed down for the team since the news of the assassination attempt spread like wildfire. 

He heard the shallow  _ creak  _ before he felt a presence. The warm, familiar,  _ safe _ presence of someone he cares for - the feeling that could only come from one person. Ethan’s head whipped around to her immediately. 

“Becca? I didn't expect you back…” his brows furrowed as he sat there dumbfounded. 

Surely she would have told him if she was coming back - they would have talked about this. If not as her boss but as her partner. They’ve spoken on the subject earlier in the week and agreed to reevaluate in a few days. He could tell from the light shadow under her eyes and the lack of color on her cheeks that she certainly wasn’t ready to be back yet. 

It had been three days since she had last seen Ethan. That day was the first time she was left completely alone by her friends and roommates. Out of care and concern, over the last week, at least one of them stayed home to keep her busy. 

Ethan came over and they spent the day doing mundane things - grocery shopping through postmates and prime now, moving her winter clothes to the front of her closet, making a “bland” lunch. Ethan wasn’t comfortable in her home but it didn’t matter - she wasn’t ready to leave the safe haven. He made sure to depart before her friends returned home. As much as Dr. Ramsey wanted her back at work and under his gaze, Ethan knew she needed to take a few more weeks off.

She took a step into the room. 

The familiar room where time stood still. 

And Becca was stuck standing in the threshold. 

Everyone disappeared around her. 

And Becca was alone. A chill pricked goosebumps over her skin. 

The last time she was in this room was right before… 

Tentatively, she dared a glance over at the large round table where they’ve debated case after case. The place integral to her career and development as a doctor. 

Air left her lungs when her eyes landed on  _ him _ . 

Sitting there in the spare seats were Senator Ed and Travis typing away on their devices. Ed didn’t acknowledge her, too busy closing deals and selling out constituents,  _ necessary evils _ . She gasped as Travis slowly turned towards her person. His shifty eyes moving between the metal water bottle and Becca, a devious smile emerging. A  _ knowing  _ smile. His dark eyes locked with hers. His boney, grey hand reached for the bottle. Becca held her breath, waiting for the ball to drop. Waiting for Travis to pull the trigger. 

Waiting for the hiss. 

_ Any moment it’ll happen.  _

Any moment she’ll stop breathing. 

_ And at any moment -  _

A voice brought her out of her trance; 

“I thought you weren't ready yet…” Ethan’s baritone voice was low and coated in concern. She didn’t regard him as he calmly, cautiously, walked towards her. 

Her eyes were glued to the scene projected before her. 

Being in this room, being  _ here _ she never felt more unready for anything. She felt more ready for death. 

_ But I could not stop for Death - _ _  
_ _ And he kindly passed by me.  _

Becca’s jaw slacked, not sure of what to say. 

She pulled her stare away from the nightmare and onto Ethan, moving her body to fully look at Ethan and Ethan only. The moment she saw him, the man she’s seen every day of the past year, her friend and closest ally, a wave of feelings coursing over her - fear, anxiousness, familiarity,  _ home _ . In his eyes she could muster the courage. No matter what happened, Ethan would protect her. 

Becca didn’t get much time to revel in his security. For the third voice broke through; 

“Speaking of…” Farley emerged from behind her and into Ethan’s line of sight. “I thought we were here to figure me out.” 

Ethan’s eyes never left her from the moment she rounded through the doorway. “Becca, care to explain?” 

A deep inhale and labored exhale. Her mind moved on from the horror behind her and to the dream standing in before her. She projected the image Ethan in his sweatpants and the tee that he wore when it was just them alone in his apartment. She imagined him without the suit, without the decorum. Just  _ Ethan _ \- where she was free to feel his warmth through the thin fabric. She needed to feel him. It took everything in her not to run into his arms and beg him to keep the nightmare at bay.

Instead, she stood up straighter. 

“I have a patient that I was hoping the team could take on pro bono,” she said with such conviction. Her voice did not falter even once. 

Becca filled him in on what she knew of Farley's condition. 

“...I know it might be nothing, but Farley's my landlord, and the last few days he's been really…” She shrugged, at a loss for words, but Ethan seemed to understand what she left unsaid.

“If Mr. Farley needs medical care, of course we'll take his case.” It wasn’t even a question. He’d do it for the patient - for the mission and ethos this esteemed team was founded on. 

She gave him a hollow pull of a smile before walking down the hall with Farley in tow. 

Ethan inched closer to where Becca stood moments ago, counting the seconds until she’s back in his proximity. He could see her through the window, escorting Farley down the hall and flagging a nurse to take the patient to his room. But it was too far away. She could break at any moment and Ethan wasn’t ready for that. He wasn’t ready to put her in another toxic situation. 

When she turned back to Ethan he could breathe a little better.

“Thanks for doing this. It was the only way I could get him to agree to treatment,” she said as she crossed the threshold. 

“Of course.” He reached out to squeeze her arm. 

Ethan looked at her.  _ Really  _ looked at her. 

She was in the outfit he commented on the other day that hung in her closet with the tags still attached. Her dark hair was tied back and straggly, she hadn’t washed it today. The lame curls still framed her beautiful face. She had put concealer on under her eyes to hide the effects of never sleeping. Yet, this close, he could see the creases and the purple breaking through. Ethan  _ knew _ she shouldn’t be back yet but he was glad to see her with a little more color and star in her eye. It was still too early to tell if this was detrimental to her recovery. But if this is what she believes she needs he will support, her full stop. 

They looked into one another's eyes, speaking volumes. Ethan silently asking if she’s ready and Becca projecting endless gratitude towards him. They were in their own little world until his pager beeped. 

They broke apart, Ethan dropping his hold on her upper arm and her taking half a step back. As Becca turned to head out he spoke; 

“And... Becca?” 

“Yeah?” 

His hand found hers. “It's nice to see you back.”

She squeezed his hand in return. 

Becca wanted nothing more than to cross the small space between them and rest her head on his chest, having his cologne engulf her and remind her she was  _ alive _ and everything will be  _ fine _ . Vaguely, she remembered how they still need to stay away from one another, to keep up appearances. For a split second, Becca still wished she was on leave just for the sake of wholly having Ethan. 

Becca made her way through the hospital and to the locker room to change into her white coat. She wasn’t prepared to be walking down the hall alone… It was  _ scarier _ alone. She didn’t have Farley next to her making comments, keeping her mind hyper-focused on their mission - on the importance of being here. 

Most of the corridors were empty. Any colleagues she passed either whispered incessantly and boldly made comments, or looked away. Rarely did one say ‘hello’ or that they’re happy to see her back. Her feet carried her almost automatically, piloting through the throng. Her senses clouding her cruise control the closer she got to  _ that _ room. The closer she got the stronger the itch on her skin. 

The nurses station came into view and her chest constricted. Her breath left her - worse than before. Her chest felt like it was caving in.  _ She couldn’t breathe _ . All Becca could do was stare at the empty chair in front of the abandoned computer. 

_ Danny _ . 

Danny should be sitting there greeting everyone. He should be running the department with a radiant smile, like always. He should be guiding and reassuring everyone in the way only he could. 

_ Danny should be here. _

Her eyes began to prick at the thought of him in his trusty magenta scrubs, the cool tone complimenting his complexion. She leaned her back against the wall, the bunting digging into her lower back and sure to leave a bruise. 

Her hand flew to her face. Becca was about to lose it. 

She was about to breakdown here and now. Her deep brown eyes, wide and searching for somewhere to hide, turning red as she fought back the tears. 

_ The supply closets on the other side of the station _ . 

She went to move a foot and fell back into the wall further. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t bring herself to walk past it. 

So Becca bolted in the opposite direction. She’d take the long way down to the locker room, two floors below that haunted corridor.

***

After changing into her white coat and wiping the flush from her face Becca inhaled deeply, remembering she still could take cleansing breaths. 

Inhale;  _ One. Two. Three. _

Exhale;  _ One Two Three.  _

In the distance, bouncing off the walls, she heard the familiar bellowing voices of Esme and Zaid bickering passionately in the hallway. Becca’s instinct was to run to her intern’s aid, but once she had them in her view everything set in. 

In her absence the two opened up to one another. Zaid and Esme were  _ friends _ . Becca wished she had that with her intern. It was a serious case of FOMO.

“Hey,” she waved before shoving her hands deep in her pockets. 

“Hey,” Esme smirked, the closest thing she’s ever given to a smile. “Welcome back.” 

Becca nodded to the files in Esme’s hands, “What cases are you working on at the moment?” 

“A case of walking pneumonia, a cardiac arrhythmia, and…” Esme scrunched her nose “I guess the main issue with the last patient is kidney damage. I was about to check in on him, if you wanna make sure I'm doing everything right, or...?” 

“No need for that. By this point in the year, I trust that you know what you're doing, or that you'll come to me if you don't. But I'd love to see you in action.”

Esme nodded her head and turned on her heels towards her next patient's room with Becca in tow. The latter thankful for the distraction from her thoughts overseeing this case will provide. It was either this or doing paperwork with Ethan in the office, and Becca knew she couldn’t avoid her fears or his if they were left alone. Throwing herself into the case  _ should _ keep her from dissecting and remembering. 

A handsome young man sat up in bed with a skeptical look on his face as Declan Nash spoke across the patient and to his parents. Everything in the room looked the  _ same _ . Becca had to steady her heart rate as they walked further into the inpatient room. 

Upon entering the room Esme immediately interacted with the group, shooing Nash away before filling everyone in on the status of Levi’s condition. His parents gave Doctor Lao a once over before retelling how his condition came to be, how Levi is in constant pain, and how everything always  _ hurts. _

The entire time Becca had a hard time paying attention to all the details. The beeps of the machine’s were throwing her back - all she could see was Rafael’s unconscious in front of her. She zoned out, her teeth drawing blood at her inner lip as the memory unfolded. In the distance the promise of life brought her back;

“Happy birthday,” she plastered on the best smile she could muster. Her hollow gaze refocusing on Levi, the  _ very real  _ man in need of her help. 

“Thanks. Instead of a gift... could you discharge me now so I can celebrate it outside of this sad hospital?” he tried to joke. 

Esme admonished the notion with a curt, “No.”

There’s some more conversation Becca missed as she observed the hollow eyes of the patient - a look she’s come far too familiar with. All the wires he’s hooked up to. How Esme is standing close to him, hovering with a look of deep concern. 

Once his parents rushed out of the room for a reason she could not recall, Becca made proper eye contact with the patient for the first time and asked; 

“Do your parents know how bad it really is?”

Levi let out a small scoff. “They still think there's some magic bullet out there, something that will 'fix' me. I'm a quicker study.” 

“There are new advances all the time. You never know what might happen in the next few years…” 

In just a few hours the diagnostics team was able to synthesize a cure for an incurable toxin. Anything was possible with enough dedication and motivation. 

“Maybe. That's certainly what my parents are holding out for. But how long do you want to wait around for maybe, you know?”

She does know. She knows what it’s like to almost give up. But she also knows what it’s like to hold onto hope. Hope from those around her. An iron clad support system. 

A flash of her friends standing out her window surfaced and obstructed her vision. There they were beckoning her over into oblivion. 

As if Levi was in her mind, he gritted his teeth as his pain crests again.

A shiver ran its way up Becca’s spine and pricked her skin as he went through the episode. Her first thought was hope - hope that Esme was too distracted by Levi to notice her struggles. Then another painful hour washed over her. 

She was stuck in the memory of her vomits and itchy skin, her chest tightening as she struggled to breathe through the toxin wafting around her. Watching Raf slowly and all too soon slip from her grasp. The  _ hccks _ of Bobby and Danny ring in her ears, a decibel from rupturing her eardrums. Her mouth getting dry and tongue beginning to tingle. 

She took a gulp. 

_ I’m okay.  _

To push it away the intrusive thoughts, she turned to Esme as Levi struggled through the attack. 

“Dr. Ortega, what's your treatment plan?” 


	3. III.

Following an all-too-short lunch with Jackie, Becca reposed in the residents lounge for the rest of the day, alone, save for the somewhat reassuring chime of silence which was suspended throughout the room, and a riveting new journal that she held in her hands as she waited on labs to come back for her only patient, Farley. 

Esme stepped inside the newly renovated room, closing the thick wooden door behind her and spinning a pen anxiously between her fingers. The atmosphere changed immediately - whatever calmness Becca found in this modern solitude vanished with her enigma of an intern’s presence. She moved to sit across from Becca without saying a word. 

The two of them sat there in complete silence for a bit. The only sound was the rattling of the central heating from behind the ceiling panels and the taps of the pen Esme was still spinning between her hands. 

Becca folded the article on her lap. She couldn’t focus on it anyway. 

“Esme? Everything okay?” 

It was impossible to miss the sullen look on Esme’s face - as if the weight of the world was resting on her shoulders and crushing her completely. She looked at Becca for a long moment, never meeting her eyes. Esme’s stare scanned the resident before her; the one resident responsible for her mentorship, the one she’s supposed to trust, the one who’s known to have faced great ethical dilemmas. All Esme could see was the same struggle staring back at her - only worse. 

“Not really,” she huffs, crumpling back into the couch cushion. “It's Levi. His situation... it's really getting to me.” She took a pause to lick her dry lips. Then dove into the guilt eating away at her, “He's in so much pain every minute of every day. He's miserable, Becca. His whole life is agony, and he can't even tell anyone. I put my stethoscope to his chest a few days ago, and he teared up.” 

Becca could tell Esme was trying not to cry, hiding her emotions behind the brick wall her angry tone provided. Trying to be strong. For whom had yet to be determined. 

“Could you live like that?” 

“Honestly…” Becca sighed as she bit her cheek, “I don't know.” 

The last two weeks had Becca contemplating her own existence more than ever - a unwarranted side effect of escaping death. And in all those restless hours she hadn’t settled on a solid statement. She hadn’t found the right words to completely encompass and make sense of the endless agony tearing her apart. 

She wished she could have switched places with Danny and Bobby; it was  _ her fault _ they got caught in the crossfire. But Becca was selfish.  _ So selfish _ for not wanting to die. 

Rebecca Carolina Lao did not want to die. She  _ could not die. _

She’d worked hard her entire life - devoted her youth to her studies and cultivating the best resume she could. Her life had only just begun. She finally had the career of her dreams and… 

_ What else is there to live for? _

Those around her. Her friends. Her family miles away. 

She couldn’t leave them. What would her mom be like if she had died without saying goodbye? She was strong but no one is strong enough to bury their child. Would she have her buried, or cremated and kept close to her heart? How would her roommates cope with the loss of another friend? How would they cope with taking on her share of the bills on top of inevitably losing their jobs in a few months? Who would pack up all her stuff and where would it all go? 

Becca didn’t know any of these answers because she wasn’t in that position. 

Through all of her pain, she fought like hell to stay. 

As she sat in front of Esme, Becca’s mind briefly wandered to what it would be like to be in Levi’s position. If she couldn’t hold anyone’s hand anymore, or hold a pen or a book without pain… or kiss Ethan… 

Would she be strong enough to live without everything she holds dear? 

_ No.  _

She could not imagine her life ending any time soon. 

“So what do I do for him, Becca? How do I help?”

The pen stopped rotating and the heating system lulled to a dull hum. 

“You try... To respect his wishes,” she said with a resolute nod. “That could mean finding new experimental treatments, or it could mean accepting the fact that he doesn't want any more surgeries, even if you think they might help. He doesn't have any good choices right now. You have to make sure he knows you care about him first and foremost.”

The damaged girls looked at one another. The words settled and the air shifted. 

Esme balled her fists against the loose fabric of her scrubs at her thighs. “Yeah... that makes sense.”

“Levi's been through a lot, and it makes sense that he doesn't want to get his hopes up for no reason. But it's your job to try to get him well.” 

“I just wish I believed we could actually do that. Fix him.” Esme sniffled and wiped her eyes on her sleeve, straightening up resolutely. 

Becca’s eyes softened. She remembered how it felt with her first terminal patients. That absolute helplessness didn’t compare - not any more. 

The thing about being terminal - the silver lining - is foresight. People with incurable conditions have time to come to terms with dying. They have time to make amends. They have time to live the rest of their days on their terms. They have time to say goodbye. 

_ Unlike Danny and Bobby. _

Esme rose to her feet, wild determination in her eyes. “Levi's an amazing guy. I'm gonna help him... somehow.” 

“He is,” a small smile pricked the corners of Becca’s lips. “I'm glad he has you to look after him.” 

“Thanks, Becca. This really helped.” The standoffish intern smiled back and headed off towards her mission. 

And once again Becca was left alone in eerie silence. 

***

Stir crazy and mind bouncing too much for the walls of the small lounge to handle, Becca decided to make laps around the hospital. She spent the rest of her afternoon reacquainting herself with the wards and spending time comforting premature babies in the NICU. 

_ Babies.  _

_ How can you be sad around babies? So full of life and promise...  _

Becca was walking past the E.R. on her way to check on Farley when she ran into Ethan. 

His face lit up when he saw her; she looked  _ better _ . She had pulled her hair back into a neater bun and there was a ghost of a smile present among her features. Looking up at him there seemed to be a glow about her, glowing in the faint way that only someone with a new lease on life could. Maybe Ethan was wrong. Maybe she did need to come back to work and face her fears head on. Maybe what was best for her was the distraction and promise of doing good. For once he hoped beyond all hope that his assessment would be proven wrong. 

The sweet coloring in his eyes sparkled and the small cracks of crow's feet peeping at the corners sent a joyful warmth throughout Becca’s body. Just the sight of him gave her enough purchase to let out a large gust of air and with it most of her reserved tension. 

_ Ethan _ . 

He was here and she was safe. 

For a fraction of a moment they both forgot they were still in the hospital. 

“I've just been with your landlord,” he said slightly softer than his normal cadence, giving them both reason to stand closer in the busy lobby. 

“How is he?” Becca shoved her hands deep into the pockets of her coat, keeping herself from reaching out to him in such a public place. 

Their eyes never strayed from one another. The sparkle in his azure’s matched the glow of her heart as she gazed at him. 

“A pain in the ass.” The sides of Ethan’s mouth perked upwards just a hair. “Medically, however, I'm waiting to see if any bacteria shows up in his cultures. If he has meningitis, we'll need to-” 

Suddenly, the ambulance bay doors burst open cutting him off. Their heads whipped towards the door where an EMT was wheeling a new patient in. 

With skilled precision the EMT rattled off. “I have a patient here. Unconscious female, 50's.” 

Becca and Ethan took a brief look around the E.R., but the few doctors on duty were busy with other urgent cases. 

“We'll take her,” he says just as Becca’s feet carried her to the gurney in an adrenaline-fueled rush. 

_ Unconscious woman _ .  _ Shallow breaths. _

Becca’s muscle memory took over well before her brain could catch up, gently slapping the nameless woman’s deathly pale cheek. Everything happened so fast. Becca’s vision was filtered by a vignette secluding her from the world. The only thing pulling attention at the center was the woman before her. This patient barely breathing and clinging to dear life. This patient with frayed graying hair, soft creases and a pale white face with a structure she’s seen before. 

_ This woman’s not going to die _ . 

Becca wouldn’t have it. On the third slap to her boney cheek the darkened edges faded and Becca could finally see the bigger picture. 

The moment she made contact,  _ it _ clicked. 

Becca’s jaw dropped as she registered the features glaring back at her. 

“Oh my god…” she whispered to herself. 

_ This can’t be. _

Nervously looking over her shoulder Becca called, “Ethan,” 

He raised his brows, ready to jump in and help at her command. 

Before he could take a step forward Becca quickly elaborated, “It's your mom…” 

Time kept spinning and every second this patient came closer to losing life. 

For the first time in his career Ethan was rooted to the spot. 

_ Of course _ this would be how they meet after 25 years. The universe had been playing a sick and morbid joke on him lately - Dolores, Naveen, Becca, and now the woman who was dead to him long ago. 

“Ma'am?” Becca tapped her again, trying to jostle her awake. 

Becca’s eyes further assessed the woman’s state.  _ Blue lips and fingertips _ . Memories jolted through her on the backs of the numbing adrenaline of her first ever case with Ethan - 

_ She’s losing life _ . 

Just like Danny and Bobby and... 

Becca pushed the constricting feeling of paralyzation aside. This woman  _ cannot die _ on her watch. Another life will not be taken from her. Regardless of who they are. 

Ethan watched Becca move frantically around that woman. The reassuring color she finally found had drained from her face completely. Without having to ask he knew how Becca was feeling, because he felt it too. 

He didn’t  _ want _ to help this patient. He wanted to turn on his heels and let the powers that be take control. To let whatever power that took her away from them all those years ago to come and take her away now. He couldn’t look at her.  _ The nerve of that woman _ . But Ethan Ramsey took an Oath and there was a patient who needed his expert care. 

With herculean effort Ethan shook himself out of his trance and leapt into action a split second later. 

“How's her breathing? Listen to her chest,” he instructed. 

“Shallow. Pupils are small and unresponsive…” Becca responds, moving to check their patient’s arms for any telling signs. 

And she finds one. 

_ Track marks.  _

She bit back the gasp threatening to call Ethan’s attention. 

_ Ethan…  _

As much as Becca wanted to protect him from this - from the deep seeded, constant pain his mother inflicts - her job came first. Becca was a doctor and her attending needed to know the diagnosis. 

“It looks like an opioid overdose. We need to wake her up.” 

She didn’t take her eyes off of his mother, willing her awake with every fibre of her fragile being. Calling up to that invisible force that spared her life only weeks ago for just one more favor. Just one more delay to the inevitable. She greedily needed her to survive. Needed his mother to open her eyes -  _ there was no other option _ . 

Death would not come today. 

“Louise?” Ethan finally acknowledged the woman. His voice bellowing, pricking goosebumps on Becca’s skin. “Dammit!” 

Ethan brushed past Becca and ground his knuckles into his mother’s sternum. 

“ _ Hnnng… _ ” Louise whined; her eyes opened for a moment and Becca caught the same baby blues blankly staring at her then rolled back in her head. 

_ No. _

Doe eyes wide and full of diluted terror Becca announced, “I'll get the naloxone.” 

She hurried to find a bottle of the drug in a cabinet by the nurses station, quickly preparing an injection in her unfaltering hands as she moved back towards the gurney in ten steps. Then without an ounce of hesitation, stabbed the needle into Louise’s shoulder. Ethan’s mother drew a deep, shuddering breath, eyes fluttering as she slowly pulled out of her unconscious state. 

Becca’s breath caught up with her. 

_ She’s alive. _

That was all the assurance Ethan needed. 

“Alright, she'll make it.” Ethan pulled his rubber gloves off and stepped away from the gurney and where Becca still rooted beside it. 

“Nurse? Keep an eye on her. We're done here.” 

Becca wasn't done. She was sinking in the feelings surrounding her. She felt like she was drowning in the onslaught of waves overtaking her - waning adrenaline, fear, terror, inadequacy, remembrance. Death looked her in the face again today. She evaded him once more. 

_ Becca 3, Death 2. _

What quarter were they in? When will this duel finish? 

She doesn’t know. It’s an inevitable prolonging. A battle she won’t win for long. 

_ When is the end? _

She’s consciously terrified of losing. 

Becca’s rooted in place as the waves began rolling towards her. Everyone moves around her in fluid sweeps. She sees nothing and everything all at once. Her line of sight coated in blanched static. 

When the nurse took over and shook her out of her trance, Becca noticed Ethan promptly striding from the room without another word. This wasn’t the Ethan she knew; he _would_ _never_ leave a patient this soon. And this wasn’t a patient… it’s his mother… who nearly died if it wasn’t for him… 

Becca swallowed her bile of trauma and chased after him through the storm; 

“Ethan!” 

The haunting she felt in her core didn’t matter. The shadow taking tallies over her shoulder didn’t matter. None of that mattered. She had to push past it all and be strong for  _ him _ now.

He was elusive. She didn’t even hear his footsteps stomping through the hall and rattling through her, not even the vibrations ricocheting off the steel foundations. His long legs couldn’t have taken him too far. Scanning the corridor, Becca noticed the door to the on-call room a second away from shutting. 

_ Ethan.  _

She finds Ethan hunched over a cot in the empty on call room. The room is dark - only one clinical light is glowing in the far corner of the cramped room. His hands balled into tight fists, the whites of his knuckles reflecting the little light away from his crumpled face. 

She gingerly sat down beside him and ran a gentle hand over his back. 

“Ethan?” Becca whispered a few moments later “Are you alright?” 

Warm air flowed indignantly between them. 

“She  _ does not _ get to do this to me.” He huffed in his deep voice laden with the sentiment of a broken child. ”She does not get to make me feel bad for her.”

“I’m sorry.” Becca couldn’t say anything louder than a whisper. Her own despair still gripped into her like a vice. 

“Don't be.” Ethan shrugged bitterly, though not enough for her to let up on her calming caresses. “This has nothing to do with me. That woman isn't anyone I know.”

She rested her head against his shoulder. They let silence hang and their minds clear. It was Becca who asked the most pressing question from their earlier observations: 

“Do you think your dad knows she’s using?” 

“...I don't know.” 

He grinds his hands further into his eye sockets, willing the newest image of that woman from his mindseye. Becca continued soothing rubs up and down his back and placed her chin on his shoulder so she could look at him more closely. 

“It’s okay to be sad,” she mutters. 

“I'm not sad. I'm... I'm…” Ethan dropped his hands and they hung between the gap of his legs. His eyes squeezed shut and she can make out the small droplets trapped against his lashes. “Angry.” 

“That's okay, too.” Her free hand moved to begin tracing nonsensical patterns over the thin, starchy fabric at his forearm. “Anything you're feeling right now is okay.”

His clouded eyes flew open. 

“I'm…” he begins to speak before pressing his lips together tightly. 

He huffed, shoving off her embrace and stands. 

“I have to get back to work.” 

“That was your mom, Ethan. She nearly died. You can take a minute. It's okay--” she began to plead. 

Becca was trying to beg him to stay. To lock the door and let them hold one another for a while. So that they can fall apart and patch one another up with unconditional affection. She needed this just as much as she knew he did. 

But Ethan didn’t give her the chance to ask, to make the all too enticing proposition as he bound across the room. He didn’t even bother to turn around; his eyes shut tightly and hand reached for the metal knob. He inhaled a deep cleansing breath; 

“No, it isn't. There are patients that need me much more than she does.” There was a finality in his tone that frightened her. 

Becca’s jaw slacked. 

Ethan didn’t leave a second for her rebuttal. For her to beg. Not even a quirk of the neck in her direction to see the matching brokenness in their eyes. 

The door shut loudly behind him, his footsteps echoed down the hall. 

She wanted to chase after Ethan. He needed her now more than ever. Another person in his life could have been gone in a swift, unforgiving instant. If the effects of seeing their patient on the brink of death was this bad for her she could only imagine what he was going through. Though Becca couldn't move, couldn’t force herself to run through the halls and break down the barriers he’s just put up sky high. He’s pushing her away agan; she can feel it. 

Resigned, Becca gave up the great fight. 

When the rattling of his exit dissipated and all that reached her ears was an unnerving peace, she laid down, hugging the plastic wrapped pillow tightly to her body. It smelt like clean and disinfectant and morbidly hospital-like. She wasn’t able to lose herself in this horrid smell. She ripped off the case with as much strength as she could muster, freeing the mass-produced cushion. The squish of the mildly firm pillow through the hypoallergenic fabric wasn’t helping. It still carried all she needed to forget. Rolling to face the wall, curling into a tight ball and burrowing her face in the pillow she let out a vital, subdued scream. The dam was shattered and her emotions spiraled freely for the first time in days. 

Everything was all too much.


	4. IV.

Waking up forty minutes after that calamity in the on-call room, Becca’s curled up form ached as she stretched out on the cot. After letting out a refreshing groan she tapped her cheeks, hoping the breakdown was just part of her nightmare. But no. They were puffy and swollen under her delicate fingers. And once more she groaned - a little louder and erupting from deep in her diaphragm - at the realization. 

Sitting up, Becca tried to pull herself together --  _ well _ , as best as she could do under the circumstances. Spending many minutes perched on the metal framed edge regulating her breathing, and wiping at her tear-stained face with the backs of her trembling fingers, mindful to keep from spreading her charcoal mascara all over her cheeks, and hoping beyond all hope that her impromptu nap had released the harrowing tension from her irises. Finally, when she was able to convince herself she’s  _ fine _ , Becca headed into the hallway to enter back into reality. 

Only a few seconds after leaving the on-call room Becca’s body was forced to duck around the corner as a group of residents passed by; keeping her neck craned down towards the speckled linoleum flooring, trying to conceal herself before anyone could notice the obvious faults in her composure.

Becca dodged and weaved her way to the stairwell as if she were a spy on a super stealth mission; her feet carrying her purposefully, quietly, to the one place she could find reprieve To the one place she felt safest at the scene of the crime. Though, she stopped at the sound of her best friend’s irritated and borderline  _ feral _ vocalization. Becca peeked over at the nurses station to the sight of Sienna's intern leaning against the wall, staring at his phone, whilst Sienna stood before him, dwarfed by his height. Her large eyes were narrow, fists balled up in fury as she tried her best to control his placidity. 

“My shift finished ten minutes ago,” Sienna barked. 

Mitch said something Becca couldn’t make out from her place down the corridor. 

Apparently it wasn’t pleasant; for Becca flinched as she heard her friend shout; 

“I'm not emotional, I'm done! You're an _intern,”_ the tiny resident articulated, his job title layered as a jarring insult. “You're here to learn, not wet yourself whenever there's work to do!” 

Loud ripples of laughter spread through the corridor as people stopped to watch the exchange. Mitch’s face was colored in a rosy flush against his ashy complexion, his jaw locked as he bit back his defenseless words. 

Just as the bystanders all figured Sienna was done with her brutal mockery, she spoke again. The small and presumably innocent resident was still  _ going _ ; full throttle and showing not a single ounce of mercy. Sensing his embarrassment, she pulled the trigger on her next shot; 

“If you're humiliated right now, you deserve it. You've been a lazy, entitled jerk, and your patients and your colleagues have been suffering for it.” 

There was an eruption of “ _ ooh _ ”s and giggles from the onlookers, thoroughly enjoying the public humiliation. 

Then Sienna went in for the final blow; “And as of right now you will treat me, and everyone else in this hospital, with the respect they deserve. Do you hear me?” 

“I…” Mitch nodded, and Becca could swear she saw his jaw grind and unhinge as if he was going to argue. “Yeah. I hear you,” he mumbled in his deep voice layered in emotion. 

A smatter of applause and laughter followed Mitch as he slinked up the hall away from Becca and the amused bystanders. 

Sienna had reached her limit. The pot full of her anger and boiling grief had pooled over, the lid blown and the raging waters bubbling out of control. Becca watched as her friend huffed and disappeared behind the nurse’s station, leaving her feelings right there in the hallway with the gossiping residents. This wasn’t Sienna. This wasn’t the wonderful, loyal, put-together friend Becca had come to love. This was a grieving woman and more. This was a girl who’s angry at the world. A girl who’s known to have slight depression... On any other day - any time  _ before _ \- Becca would have bounded right over to Sienna, wrapped her in a hug and absorbed all her problems. Here,  _ now _ , Becca just didn’t have the strength. 

_ Later. We’ll talk later _ . She assured herself that they’d sit on the couch back home with some tea and talk about everything that happened today. 

Continuing on her mission to her safe space, Becca wondered about her own limit. 

If all things fall apart, when was  _ she _ going to crumble completely? When was she going to break beyond all repair? 

The waterfall in the on-call room wasn’t even close to the release she oh so desperately craved. 

In truth, Becca had  _ no idea _ what she needed. She had been making it up as she goes all this time. The only desire and driving force at the forefront of her being was to not be a burden to those around her. 

Where in her medical training was the course on best practices after surviving an assassination attempt? 

Right now she only knew of one thing that would help. 

***

Ethan sat at his desk, his head in his hands as he rubbed his palms against his droopy eyelids. In the corridor, Becca had her hand on the handle of his office door, jiggling it to no avail. 

“Ethan?” She called out softly, grabbing his attention. “Ethan,” - she knocked once more - “I know you’re in there.” 

He sighed the large gust of air he was holding in. Yet made no intention on letting her in.

Another hollow knock. 

Now it came from the wall of windows three paces down where the blinds hung half drawn. She was kneeling on the cold floor trying to peer in to get a look at him. But all Becca could see was the empty circular table. 

He looked up from his pale hands, rolling his desk chair to the side ever so slightly. Ethan could see her perfectly. His bloodshot eyes meeting hers through the glass. It sent a shiver down his spine - the pane between them reminding him of when she was quarantined and begging him to save her with just  _ that look _ . 

“Can I come in? Please?” she begged.

He got up from his chair, his eyes rimmed with red and heavy with concentration. His legs felt all tingly and numb as he took careful steps over, opening the door. They dwelled in silence as she pushed passed him. He returned the door to its preferred position and locked it. 

Ethan’s face softened as he took one look at her puffy pink and red stained cheeks;

“Are you okay?” his eyes were wide now, inspecting her every movement as she settled beside him at the threshold. “What happened?” He asked softly, placing a delicate hand on her upper arm.

“I - I’ll be fine,” she brushed off with a quick wave of her hand. She looked at him with melancholy wonderment, eyes locked on his, “Are  _ you  _ okay?” 

Holding back a scoff he responded, “I’ll be fine.” There was a certain strained finality in his tone. 

She took two small steps closer. “Ethan… please talk to me.” 

“What’s there to say, Rebecca?” he shrugged and turned away from her. 

Becca reached for him. 

“How you’re feeling for starters.” Her words were just louder than a whisper. She didn’t have the energy to beg, and hoped he’d read between the lines and let her be there for him. 

She didn’t come in here to argue. Becca made her way up to his office because it’s the only place in this  _ goddamn hospital _ she feels a modicum of peace. By his side is where she feels her strongest, empowered by his unwavering commitment. She came up here to put her little breakdown behind her. 

And right now, looking at the man before her with his dark broken eyes, wrinkled shirt that usually pressed to the nines, and unusually mussed hair, she  _ knows _ he needs her just as badly. 

“That’s your mother,” she stated through a little huff when he wouldn’t turn to face her. “Even if you don’t want to acknowledge it, she’s here and our patient.” 

Ethan’s teeth grinded together, jaw set so tight trapeze artists could wander across it. 

“I’ll confront my emotions when you confront yours.” 

That came out harsher than he meant it. 

Ethan’s head whipped around to see her, his heart starting to beat a little faster with the realization. The parting in her lips and the widening of her eyes confirmed he went too far. 

He shot her an apologetic look. 

Becca shook her head, “This isn’t about me.” 

The brief rush of relief that washed over him from her forgiveness retreated just as quickly. 

“Isn’t it? You're deflecting your concentration from whatever had you crying and onto my problems,” he challenged. 

They were facing off now. Becca keeping herself upright on the edge of his personal space, trying so hard not to be affected by his nugatory disparagements. Ethan looming over her like a brick wall - stoic and impenetrable, throwing words back at her with force. 

“You almost  _ died _ , Rebecca,” he seethed. “And you’re here acting as if everything is fine. It’s not fine.” Ethan took a breath and ran a shaky hand down his sullen face; the cracks of his demeanor lighting to full display. 

“ _ You’re not fine _ .”

Barely half a second passed before Becca exclaimed; 

“Of course I’m struggling!” - she threw her hands helplessly up in the air - “Nothing makes sense anymore!” 

Becca stood there huffing, the lingering panic from earlier multiplying in her veins. Ethan was too startled by her outburst to move. His hands fell to his sides and his eyes watched her closely, rooting himself to the space before her - he could feel a storm brewing and he’s bracing them for it. 

The air around them crackled with the tendrils of an inevitable fight. 

She took pause as she collected herself; gathering the much needed oxygen required for the truth to flow freely and unencumbered off her tongue. 

And the unnerving density surrounding them began to dissipate. 

Finally she spoke again. Her tone calmer. Though Ethan knew her well enough to catch the bits of wavering breath between her words. 

“I’m back for a few hours and so many things have gone wrong or collapsed,” she began. “Something’s going on with my intern. My friends are hiding things from me. Sienna just lashed out at her intern.  _ You’re  _ pushing me away again, and every single time I walk through these halls, when I step into a patient room, I- I think it’s going to happen again.”

The tears start building again but she swallows them away. 

He moved closer to her. Step by step until their bodies were mere inches apart. Gingerly, one of Ethan’s hands finds the curve of her waist. When Becca didn’t make a move to retreat from the contact, his arm snaked further around her, tugging her into him. She’s pressed against his body and his other arm draped over her shoulders, holding onto her for dear life. 

Becca’s body was rigid, her eyes locked to the floor tiles. 

“I can’t stop seeing their faces, Ethan,” she exhaled like it was a weight finally freed from. “Every corner, they’re there. It doesn’t matter where I am... Danny and Bobby are guilting me and Travis is about to do it again.” 

She takes a much needed breath and looks up at him. Ethan’s eyes trained on her, his arms enveloping her frail form. Every fibre of his being burned with the desire to eradicate all her pain. For now, in this moment, all he could do was look and listen. 

_ At least she’s finally talking about it.  _

“I saw him in here earlier, just sitting over there,” she pointed to the team table. 

His deep ocean eyes followed her shaky digit. The six-seated table empty and unassuming, wiped away clean of any and every evidence of  _ that  _ case. Immersed low in his chest came an inaudible growl at the divulged memory. There was a reason patients weren’t allowed to sit in on their sessions, and for another time Ethan hated himself for breaking one of his sacred rules. If he hadn’t given the Senator preferential treatment, his exception to the rule wouldn’t be terrified to be here. 

“I wish work could distract me but it can’t. Working hard is what got me into the incident in the first place. It can happen again.  _ Something bad is happening again _ .” 

Instantly, he wrapped her further into his arms, securing her from the dreadful memories coursing through her, and supporting her weight on his chest. 

He sighed, drawing circles on her lower back with his thumb, “Rebecca -” 

“Please don’t be my doctor right now,” she squeaked, nuzzling further into the crook of his neck. The collar of his shirt keeping her from the sweet serenity of their melding warmths. 

All Ethan could do to keep his heart from breaking at her plea was soften the burn with a kiss to the crown of her head. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I thought it would go away in time.” 

“It will,” Ethan assured her softly. His hands clasping together around her back, cradling her in his arms. “With professional help, it will.” 

“I’ll go when you do,” she mumbled into the safe planes of his shirt, wishing it was his skin. 

“Rebecca…” 

She rolled her head to look up at him. 

Her voice was ever so soft as she spoke; 

“Your mother nearly died in front of you a couple days after I almost died in your arms. I know you’re anxious because of me and this today doesn’t help. Her being in this building has you on edge - worse than when Naveen almost…” 

“She’s a stranger to me it’s been -” 

“25 years, I know. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.” 

Reluctantly, Becca pulled away, her tired feet carrying her over to the old leather couch. Ethan stood there alone as her words meddled their way into his rationality. 

She broke the tarrying silence between them as she settled into the cushions, hands folded in her lap and fingers wringing. 

“I haven’t spoken to my dad in six years.” 

Ethan’s brows furrowed. Confusion and hesitation covering his every feature. Her voice so small and unguarded it kept him stuck in place. Ethan watched as she sat stiffer than ever before, gaze attached to her lap, lost in her incoming trance. A new atmosphere fell upon them. The air was sodden and yet there was a lightness to it, a sense of vital relief. 

Ethan didn’t speak for fear of interrupting her train of thought. In all the time he’s known Becca, never once has she told a story about her father. 

“He started texting my Apple ID last year. For my birthday and Thanksgiving.” She took in a large gulp of air.

_ It’s time. _

“And it breaks me.” - another cleansing breath of air - “Just a simple notification from him -” The next words come out in an almost whisper. “...A simple text and I’m a crying mess.” 

Ethan bounded over in three long, swift strides to sit with her - beside her. He wanted to wrap her in his stronghold once more and subdue every little trauma this  _ person  _ instilled in his Becca. Ethan wanted her happy - unbelievably so. Though something about her disposition told him to stay in his spot. Told him to support her from the sideline as she finished her story, and try not to break this magnificent woman’s rare moment of vulnerability. His knee was the only thing resting against her in blind succor. 

“ _ It hurts so much _ ,” she sighed. 

Gravity won over her rigid shoulders, pulling them down as defeat and self-pity overcame her. 

“Someone I thought the world of… Who was my hero…” Dampness began to accumulate on her lashes and Becca shut her eyes tight enough Ethan could count the wrinkles in her lids. 

_ Inhale... One... Two... Three...  _

Cleansing breaths in through her nose and out her parted lips. She promised she’d never cry over him again. Becca Lao would not let her manipulative father have any control over her ever again.

“And in two days his true colors came to light, and he said horrible things and I just… walked away from a toxic person.”

That moment,  _ that world-shattering moment _ , when she realized how much she didn’t know - how much of her reality was utter bullshit; how much she was straight up lied to by someone she  _ idolized,  _ ruined her. For twenty years she believed her affluent father hung the moon and the stars - that she would forever and always be  _ daddy’s little princess _ . That he’d take care of her, because that’s what parents are  _ supposed _ to do. But no. He pulled the plug and left her scrambling on her own in a new city far from home for months. Desperate and alone until she pulled herself back together with the little help her mother could afford. 

Finding out how utterly and blatantly evil he was destroyed an extensive piece of her identity. To realize that  _ this man _ raised her, formed her entire carefully curated view of the world, and that someone so  _ evil _ was part of her life for so long was terrifying. It caused Becca to question every single thing she was. 

“I know if it hurts I should block him but...” Becca lifted her head, amber eyes fixed straight ahead. “He’s my dad... I’m tied to him whether I like it or not.”

She looked over at Ethan briefly. His azure eyes bore into her. Their intensity so grand she needed to look away, or risk crawling into his lap like the scorned child clawing to break out of the black box buried alive in the depths of her mind. 

“After three years of not responding I just sent back ‘ _ thanks _ ’. This year I copied and pasted his birthday message to me back to him for his birthday and he sent back a long message about how much it meant to him.” She chortled more to herself than anything. Then took another deep breath of cleansing air. 

“I’m not saying people can change… but it’s family... A damaged, toxic person, but half of my DNA…” 

Becca always wondered,  _ feared _ , that if she looks so much like her father in the mirror,  _ god knows _ what’s hidden deep inside that she herself has yet to discover. 

The mantra coursing deep in her core, chanting incessantly every moment of every day, for those first few years of despair and self-hated, was coming back in full force as she told Ethan of her heart’s biggest loss; 

> _ I can’t be just like my father. I can’t be a cheater, I can’t be a coward. I can’t be a narcissist, can’t be a sociopath. Can't be selfish nor manipulative.  _

There were a few years where every time she did something, or made a decision that benefits her, a little voice in the forefront of her mind would tell her that she’s acting just like  _ him _ .

_ But how can I forget someone who is literally one half of  _ me _? _

How can she not miss having a ‘dad’? How can she not pine for all the good times they’ve shared? How can she not miss the time she was completely oblivious of how flawed he is? 

_ You can’t forget family. _

No matter how bad she wishes she could, she’ll forever be living in a world full of her father’s mess.  _ The mess he made for me _ . 

“I used to hate myself because of how alike I am to him. But now I know it, I’ve done work and grown into a better person.” 

Comforting to think that whatever hurdles he’s thrown -  _ his immaturity has thrown _ \- her way, Becca’s fought through it. Come out stronger because of it. More mature, more kind, much more guarded, yet heart still open and ready, full of love, for those around her. 

Ethan couldn’t form a single word. Becca was displaying this whole unearthed side of her, and there wasn’t a coherent thought in his body that wasn’t wailing for her.  _ It’s all about her _ . 

He knew these feelings she spoke of all too well. Parents impact their children - fuck them up, really. And here Becca and Ethan were, exploring their childhood heartbreak. The blaring difference between them though, is that she  _ grew  _ from it. She spent years overcoming it all. And Ethan? He stewed in the lingering effects for 25 years. Let the rage and distress - the  _ spite _ \- control him. 

And now? Increasingly more so, Ethan Ramsey’s noticed how much of a better person Becca Lao is than him. How she’s been teaching him how to be a truer version of his adult every day since their first case together. 

Ethan couldn’t contrive the words he knew she needed to hear. So he did what he could; sliding across the stiff leather over to her until their sides were pressed together. Knees, thighs, shoulders and forearms - not a single ounce of space between them. His left hand tenderly coming to rest around her twirling fingers. 

A satisfied sigh escaped her at the contact. It had been too long since his warmth had been on her. 

Ethan used that as permission to move further. His long fingers weaseling between her palms until one hand intertwined with his and the other began to trace the protruding veins on the back of his hand. 

Eventually he found some soft, uncharacteristically gentle words; 

“I didn’t know that…” 

“No one does.” Becca looked over at him with a sad little smile. 

Ethan gave her hand a small squeeze. 

“One of my many flaws you’ll find out if we…” she tore her eyes from him. 

‘ _ If they’ _ what? What were they to one another now? 

They’ve slept together. They’ve taken care of one another in more ways than one. Even after all that they’ve been through there’s still the power dynamic and the workplace issue. And Rebecca knows  _ just  _ how Ethan feels about that obstacle… 

But, even through it all, he still puts her first. 

They really haven’t defined their relationship besides the laymen, innate  _ need  _ for the other. 

And right now, all that they need to know, is that they’ll tackle whatever life throws at them one hurdle at a time. 

Ethan leaned in closer to her, his free hand coming to tilt her chin towards him. 

“I look forward to knowing everything about you.” His fingers trailed up her jawline to tuck some wayward strands behind her ear. “The good, the bad, and the slightly less attractive parts that make you  _ you _ .”

She arched into him, pressing their foreheads together. The weight of the world leaving her for the first time in forever.

Becca sighed freely, “I feel the same way.” 

There was a certain enraptured sensation when their foreheads pressed together. A irrefutable intimacy leagues above the miniscule gesture. Every note of tribulation, grief, joy and ecstasy mixed with tranquil understanding radiating between them. Swirling in their gazes were an eruption of awareness, truth, and every unsaid word candidly meant for only the other. 

It was a piece of long awaited calmness among the grody confessions. 

Gingerly, his other arm wrapped around her back and hand snaking to rest on her waist. The touch oh so soft - almost as if he were afraid his touch would ruin the delicate tableau they were lost in. 

Becca exhaled in contentment, leaning into him and relishing the new closeness. 

Her fingers moving on their own volition, caressing and memorizing the tips of his fingernails and noting how they’re barely longer than the beds. How his skin is taut and knuckles wide. The tiny rough bits of calloused skin at the pads of digits. How there’s one vein poking out the back of his hand that could rival the one that protrudes out his neck when he’s angry. 

Ethan’s fingers started tracing irregular patterns along the fabric at her waist. Then rubbing longer soothing strokes up and down her back. Up to her neck, where he brushed away the fallen tendrils of her messy bun. His thumb and middle fingers cradling the back of her neck, lightly pressured circles massaging the residual tension out of her body. 

“Mmm…” Becca made the faintest of moans. A reflex. The sound so satisfying it brought a private smile to his lips. 

Then Ethan’s hand trailed to her shoulder and began rubbing purposeful patterns there between her shoulder blades. 

Becca’s head lolled and her grip on his hands weakened. 

A breathy chuckle escaped him. His clear blue eyes glimmering. 

Using the moment, the hand between hers wiggled free and joined his other one at her shoulders. Those large, skillful hands working in tandem to release all her kinks. 

Minutes passed like this. Ethan doting, giving her all he can think to give, and Becca accepting it all. 

In the quiet, Ethan’s mind started to wander. Engrossed in every little thing as his hands are on her. About them and their burgeoning relationship. About all that’s happened - from Naveen to the trial, to his cowardice and the incident. How he  _ wasted _ so much time. How he needs to be a better man now. Because it’s not just about him - 

Not anymore. 

It’s about repairing his relationship with his father - he’ll need him more than ever now that  _ woman _ is back in the picture. He still needs to call Alan and let him know she’s here. 

And of course, it’s about her. Becca.  _ His Rebecca _ . 

Ethan is going to do everything he can to reform and more forward. To create a life worthy of her. 

Because she deserves the world. 

Suddenly an itch of action began stirring through his veins and Ethan rose from their place. Causing Becca to flop into the back of the cushions, limbs like jelly, body utterly relaxed. 

He quietly padded over to his desk, rustling a few things around. The sound pulling her out of her stupor. 

“What’re you doing?” she muttered, fatigued eyes half-lidded. 

The plastic receiver rested in the crook of his shoulder. Fingers hovering over the keypad, about to dial the psychiatry department. “Calling up to Dr. Naz for availability.”

Becca’s jaw dropped, tongue reading to protest, but Ethan was faster with his remark; 

“One appointment to start.” The levelness of tone didn’t hide the entreaty pooling in his irises. 

Ethan added, “Just to make sure you’re okay to be here.” 

After the tumultuous and draining events of the day Becca shot him one of the private smiles she reserves just for him. Ever so thankful for continually taking care of her. 

“That seems fair.” 


End file.
